Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
