saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
