It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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