I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
