Sry I called you an 8
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize