Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
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