everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
