It's like a parade of train wrecks.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
