Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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