is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
