There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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