Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
