i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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