had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
