when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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