I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
