Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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