I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
