a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
