I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
