stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I need a burrito and a hug.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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