I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Someone came in the potted fern
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
