Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
