The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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