20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize