someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
