stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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