but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
