Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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