It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
