im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
