Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I've blown a few things in my day
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
