it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
