We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
