You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
