I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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