i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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