the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
