Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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