When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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