dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
