At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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