You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
