I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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