i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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