Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize