so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
