I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
