Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
