Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
