My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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