So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You're like the curious george of whores
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize