she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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