we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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