Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
