Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
