my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
